Rated E for Embarrassment

One of these is not like the other (Fallout cuz it's multiplatform right???)

Pretend you’ve walked into a proverbial video game store, passing through a proverbial recommendations end-cap. Three non-proverbial games are displayed: Halo: Reach, Fallout: New Vegas, and Kirby's Epic Yarn. All three games have their merits and have received generally great critical praise. Let’s also assume you’re 24 years old. Which of these games are you most likely to buy? I know I sound like a marketing questionnaire, but let’s face it – picking up Kirby's Epic Yarn and taking it to the cashier for purchase is objectively more embarrassing than the other two games.

Gaming, in itself, is embarrassing enough, as Gregory Allen has pointed out. However, there are games people own that are embarrassing to even the most disheveled, basement-dwelling hardcore gamer. For example, there's Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball, a game where they took the large-chested women of the fighting game series Dead or Alive and put them on an island playing volleyball together. This was actually an amazingly effective strategy by Tecmo, since Dead or Alive is a terrible fighting game series and, coincidentally, only hormonal teenagers and creepy middle-aged men bought their games. Another game similarly embarrassing to own is the Hannah Montana: The Movie video game, particularly for the PS3 and 360, which nerds on the internet actually bought to get achievements and trophies because they were easy to get. No amount of head-shaking can ameliorate such a tragic reason for gaming, and nothing will erase the fact that Billy Ray Cyrus' spawn adorns your gaming library.

"Dude I'm totally playing it for the achievements. Haha, no dude, I'm serious... hey where are you going??"

Instrument and music games have some levels of shame to them, with the tired argument of “why don't you play a REAL instrument?” It's kind of a dumb accusation, because games like Rock Band are there as a simple emulation of the band experience, and not everyone at a party is expected to be Keith Moon on the drums or Jimi Hendrix on guitar. The argument is relevant only to those who try to 100% every song in these games on the highest difficulty, because in essence, they only really teach pinpoint reaction time and some elements of rhythm at the basic level with the instruments provided. Of course, Harmonix, the developers of Rock Band, want to solve it by evolving the medium to actually learning instruments with their "Pro" mode, introducing compatibility with fully functioning “real” instruments like a MIDI keyboard, digital drum sets, and a fully functional, six string Fender Squire guitar. You can now tell people that you learned how to play guitar via a video game and this time you'll only be met with mild guffaws instead of hysterical laughter.

Now you can play sick guitar solos like on Free Bird as good as THIS guy on real guitar (skip to 5:56).

There are games, however, that are actually really good, but are seen as embarrassing to the average 18-24 gamer. Society curbs our interest in these games by creating a culture of owning games that are “badass,” like the GTA series, God of War series, Halo, Daikatana, and so on. We're accustomed to our rated M games or sports games while games like Rachet and Clank, Pokemon, and even the Mario games, which are received as generally great series, are unfortunately being shelved to the side because they just don't meet that badass requirement the public craves for in their video games.

Sure, back then it wasn't too much of an issue to play video games with a more lighthearted nature, but gaming's audience has warped into obsession over the FPS and action genres. And when your girlfriend or your roommate walks in to you poppin' off a terrorist's head in Call of Duty, it's totally the antithesis of humility, bro.

Gaming with your Dad

WARNING: This article is not for those who do not have fathers. A prerequisite to reading this article is to have an existing father (i.e. no imaginaries allowed). Apologies to dead/bad dads.

Which of these dads would you want to meet?

Dads are the most complex creatures in all of history. They are either patriarchs or deadbeats, providing either sage advice or crushing indifference in your life. Some dads want you to succeed, so they denounce your video game playing in order for you to develop your academic and social life so that him and the mom can look good in the long run. But other dads are radder than that; they actually encourage or participate in your gaming endeavors.

My dad was kind of in the middle; he didn't scold my gaming nor did he encourage it. But he has participated. He's played stuff like Galaga, Ms. Pac Man, and Super Mario Bros: games that came out before he and my mom “decided” to create me. And through the undoubtedly empirical and valid data I've collected over the years, I'll tell you all how to game with your dad: what games are the best to play with your pap-pap, how to keep your dad gaming, and overall having a great time with your old man.

To get things going, try to determine your dad's favorite genre. This is not a determinant solely based on what he likes, either. Sometimes (most of the time) your dad has slow reaction time, or doesn't understand how to hold a controller, so puzzle games or waggle action from motion controls might be up his alley. You might think sports games are a viable thing for your dad to play, but he doesn't understand the actual complexity of how sports games play.

Case in point: I tried to play one of the NBA 2K games with him. I wasn't even going to teach him how to utilize plays with the d-pad or teach him how to dunk. After 15 minutes of intense teaching of the simplest controls, he still was wildly passing around the ball and shooting from half-court. Sometimes controls aren't made to be understood by fathers. This is a fact that you have to inevitably tell your father as he wants to turn off the console to marathon the Golf channel's offerings. However, back in the day, NBA Jam for the SNES was quite successful: the controls were simple, and he was especially amused by being able to play as Bill Clinton. He still sucked at the game, though.

Rule of Thumb: Dads love former presidents as playable characters. Use it to your advantage.

Dads always love golf, so showing him a game with golf is always a safe bet. The Tiger Woods games have those same levels of nuanced controls like the other sports games, so sh*t like the Hot Shots Golf series or Wii Sports golf are generally more successful. You haven't had a father/son or father/daughter experience until he dances in your face when you double bogey the 14^th hole that he easily birdie's in a game where your avatar doesn't even have arms or a neck.

Musical games are a finicky yet potentially viable option. If you really want to spend time with your father, you're gonna have to make the sacrifice of him being the vocals in the Rock Band or Guitar Hero games. Studies have shown that fathers generally do not have rhythm, so teaching him how to play drums and guitar may be a bit troublesome for him. Not to mention if you give him the super ultra easy mode where all he has to do is strum the guitar controller, or hit any snare on the drums, he'll get bored and say “this isn't the real game!!” (at least from my experience). Let him sing his own rendition of “A Hard Days' Night” in The Beatles: Rock Band so he doesn't have to complain and have everyone be content (except for your aural cavities).

Dad playing Tiger Woods and Wii Sports Golf:

Top:"What' is all this nonsense on the bottom of the screen?? How do you swing? This game sucks."

Bottom: "Watch your power. Check the wind. Hit it nice and easy like this."

When it comes down to it, experiment. Your dad might even like RPGs like Mass Effect or Strategy games like Civilization. Any game that catches his eye as he passes by your room or whatever you're playing when you visit him may nudge him into the gaming world. Just don't let it be this game.