Obscure Title Tuesday: MTV's Remote Control!

Remote Control for the Nintendo Entertainment System! Or, as I like to call it…..no, you know what? No. You don’t even get a cutesy little stupid joke here, you piece of crap game! Just No. Gah Remote Control, how do I hate thee…. Let me count the ways:

It’s a quiz/trivia show based on the MTV show ‘Remote Control’ which was a tongue-in-cheek, meant to be stupid humor TV and music trivia show. It could be funny at times, what with the jokingly, overly raucous audience loudly yelling things throughout the show, especially if the three contestants had a good sense of humor. Think of it like Jeopardy, except totally, all-encompassingly laid back with like next to nothing on the line.

We all look like smiling douchebags!

Each game lasts around 15 minutes, and by 15 minutes, it is 15 minutes too long. The theme song is catchy, but it runs through the entire game non-stop and gets tiresome after about 2 minutes and annoying as all hell after 7 minutes (I timed it). Whoever wins gets a nice, short speech from the host ‘I am honored to be your video game’ and their face (you can select from 9 different faces, who smile or frown in different ways when you answer a question right or wrong) appears smiling on the main title screen. That’s it.

It works like a standard trivia game -- you select a category (just a number on a television, you don’t know what category you’re getting), they ask you a question, you buzz in, and select from 1 of 3 answers. If you get it right, points. Some time into the game, the person with the lowest number of points gets eliminated, then at the end you have a rapid fire round which has you complete the song, television show, or movie title from a list of 15 words. Just go down the list spamming the A and B button as fast as you can.

Insert humorous remark on photo here

With no raucous audience, no contestants, and hysterical quips from the 8-bit host like ‘Who do you think you are, Einstein?’ ‘Nice answer. And nice hair.’ And ‘If fish is brain food, I’m guessing you grew up in Nebraska!!” I don’t even F*cking get that one. This video game pretty much has nothing going for it for 3 reasons:

1) There’s no essence of the show in this game and/or a sense of humor. Sure, they tried. I’m sure someone, somewhere, at some point on the game developer staff thought that if, when a contestant got an answer right, the host said ‘Who do you think you are, Einstein????’ kids would bust out laughing so hard they’d pee their pants. And that makes me want to find that person and tell him to his face that he is not funny. And then break a light bulb over his head and say ‘Who do you think you are, Einstein?’ and then if he says ‘Einstein didn’t invent the light bulb, Thomas Edison did.’ Then I would say: ‘Who do you think you are, Einstein!!!!????’

Insert humorous remark on photo of crappy crap game here

2) The trivia is noticeably not for the target audience that would play this Video game. I cannot stress enough what a ridiculously obviously huge flaw that is! If anyone reading this were making a trivia game about television specifically geared for our generation (born around the late 80’s) you would probably put in plenty of references to those late 80’s/early 90’s Sunday morning cartoons and television shows we all watched, like Batman, Spiderman, Reboot, the one with the turtles, the one with the alien, the one with the Dinosaurs, the one with all the transforming, the purple one, the gay one, you know…. Television shows that we could have conceivably watched and known about. Almost every question here is about shows from primarily the 60’s and very early 70’s. You’d have to have been born around that time to get ‘em. I, then and now, often do not recognize all 3 of the actors or televisions shows listed as potential answers. Categories include ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ ‘Odd Couple’ and ‘Hogan’s Heroes.’ Yeah I’ve heard of these shows, but I don’t know enough about them to answer a trivia question based on one specific episode. The only categories I ever even recognized the answers to were the questions under ‘The Cartoon Show,’ ‘Gilligan’s Island’ and ‘The Bat Channel’ And even then it didn’t matter because you just raced to buzz in first and guess any random answer because you’re not gonna know it anyway and there’s no penalty for a wrong answer.

3) It’s boring. Gah, it’s soooo booooooring. It’s so boring, writing this article about it was boring. And that theme song WILL NOT STOP! I’m not even gonna link to it to give you a little taste because why put you through that? And there’s typos in the questions. GAH I hate this game!

I’m considering giving it the lowest score possible: A negative 12 out of 5. No seriously, there’s no replay value, it’s really annoying, and there’s nothing redeeming about it-………..ladies and gentleman, we have a winner. For the first time ever on superdopegaming dot com, I present you with: a straight up goose egg:

0/5 ZERO OUT OF 5!! EPIC VIDEO GAME FAAAIIL!!! GO TO HELL MTV!!!!!

Video Games Made Me Do It

By now, we've all heard about the latest crime that has some connection to videogames. We, as a community of gamers, all have our own opinions on violent games. There are questions every gamer should ask themselves: does realistic violence make a game better? Should there be any limit to the violence in games? Does the violence in games affect anyone in real life? These questions are not easy. One must take into account various games and even companies that seem to pride themselves on being violent. More than that, what about those of us who play games and sometimes think to ourselves, "this game would be a lot cooler if i could kill these people"?

I'm not about to start a holy war against violent videogames (after all, my favorite one ends with the hero stabbing someone in the face). Nor am I going to assault the companies that create these games or the gamers who love them. People with a sane and sensible mind know that each person's actions are their own. Some things are just that obvious. Can any game legitimately be called a "murder simulator" for real life? Of course not. No more than Monopoly being able to be called a "business simulator". Will that stop people from claiming such absurdities? Of course not. What's important is that we all see games for what they are at their core: entertainment.

That may sound like I'm lowering the very essence of gaming down to the depths of reality television, but I assure you it's quite the opposite. Like many other gamers, I feel there is no reason not to put games into the same category as "art". But there is no game whose purpose is "to be art". Games are meant to affect us in some way and usually meant to be enjoyed. Same thing can be said with cinema and, frankly, most of what's considered art. This is a slight digression, but I want to be clear: Video games can no more inspire these horrific acts of violence than cinema, literature, or even paintings. Was anyone murdered after watching Leon The Professional? Did anyone go insane after reading Poe? Does anyone dream of what haunts the person in Edvard Munch's "Scream"? Should having a bad diet also be reason enough to commit murder?

The gaming community is not a group to be generalized on account of the few people who commit violent crimes and also play videogames. I often use the word community when referring to gamers as a group because... well, that's just the best word to describe us. Anyone who's ever been to a LAN party -- hell, anyone who's ever even played multiplayer (on the couch or online) can see why the word "community" is especially fitting. We gamers play well together. It's to the point now where even the lack of co-op or online play makes the game's overall score worse. Gaming is getting more and more mainstream, and the community expects developers to know we have friends, and we want to play some videogames with them. Personally, I even thoroughly enjoy watching other people play. I know when I invite some pretty ladies over for a game of Mariokart, I want them to have fun. I, like the designers of these games, want the people who play them to enjoy the experience.

There is no question as to whether or not videogames can influence people. This blog and countless others are testaments to that. If games had zero influence, there wouldn't be anyone trying to get into the videogame industry. No designers, no programmers, no critics. I'd be out of luck. Will people be more likely to break the law if exposed to violent games? I would whole-heartedly say No. Almost every game has a protagonist fighting against the antagonist (Tetris just squeaks by on that), and most games in general have someone or something dying (getting killed) or have the protagonist finding items lying around, often in someone's house, which means that they're stealing from helpless NPC innocents. If games made the morals of gamers fall away, then, with the gaming community as large as it is, I'm shocked more and more people aren't becoming vigilantes. ...Oh. Shit. Nevermind.

Obscure Title Tuesday: Yoshi!

Fresh from the egg, just hatched. If this is the face of your child when they are literally just born-they will either be a winner or a huge arrogant prick.

Did you know? Did you know that Loveable Yoshi, who has helped you out so many times in the past, with not only your surviving Mario adventures but also your fun level, not only appeared in a game for the Nintendo Entertainment System but even appeared in his VERY OWN GAME EVEN! Did you know that just like the box art indicates, a smug looking Yoshi looks on smugly as screaming ‘Boo’ ghosts and confused goombas fall away in the distance as a newly smugly hatched Yoshi adventures forth, battling all your favorite Mario bad guys without the aid of Mario in a jumping and flying fire-breathing goomba-busting fun adventure?

That’s right you DON’T know about this game, not because this epic sweeping side scrolling Final Fantasy-esque side scroller simply sold poorly, no, you don’t know about this game because rather than being any of the things I just mentioned- It’s a shitty puzzle game.

To start with, you would think that this game is a thing for Yoshi fans to be really excited about. Yoshi is in his very own game, without the aid of Mario in any way. And the game developers at Nintendo were so confident in their product that they didn’t even put their flagship character, Mario, on the box art as decoration or as a reminder of the Yoshi-Mario relation.

Well, unfortunately for your hopes and dreams, Mario IS in this game. In fact, in this game, you control Mario. Wow. I will admit to never playing ‘Luigi’s Mansion’, but if I or any Luigi fan ever picked up a copy of ‘Luigi’s Mansion’ and the whole time the only character I could play as was Mario, I’d flip a shit. Well Yoshi fans- Your shit is thoroughly flipped now, because Nintendo hates your green Dinosaur Love.

You control Mario controlling his enemies. You control everything BUT Yoshi.

“But wait!” You say. “I am a more than average educated gamer, and I know that Yoshi’s debut was in fact for the SUPER Nintendo in the game ‘Super Mario World.’ What the Fu*k?” Yes knowledgeable gamer, while I don’t approve of your cussing, in giving Yoshi his very own special amazing title in which you don’t even control Yoshi at all, Nintendo decided to go DOWN a console from the Super Nintendo to the Nintendo Entertainment System for this Yoshi adventure. Did I say adventure? Cause I meant shitty puzzle.

You control Mario in a Tetris-esque game screen, with 2 blocks of Nintendo bad guy characters falling from the top of the screen. Unlike Tetris, you don’t control the falling blocks, you control the blocks that have already fallen, by moving Mario, with 2 outstretched hands, to switch the fallen stationary blocks to try to get them to match the ones that are falling. When 2 bad guys on top of each other match, they disappear. That’s it. There are only 4 columns total, so the game play isn’t challenging at all, even when the blocks are falling fast.

The only thing to break up the aforementioned monotony is that sometimes an up facing half-egg appears- if you put a down facing half-egg on top of it, you get points and a little baby Yoshi pops out. Awww. Also, you can pile bad guys on top of the up facing egg, so when you put the down facing egg on top of the bad guys the egg will eat all the bad guys before getting to its matching shell and hatching bigger sized Yoshis. If you risk it and go all the way to the very top most part of the screen with bad guys on top of an egg and then land with the down egg, it makes a cool sound effect and a really Fat Yoshi comes out, and it’s kind of awesome. But other than those cute baby and Fat Yoshi’s, that’s it. I imagine anyone reading this column could already master this game without even having played it once, and within 15-30 minutes (honestly depending upon how much you like baby and fat Yoshi’s) anyone would get bored with it. You would need a very young child for this game to be entertaining, for then it would be somewhat challenging to them and perhaps very young children don’t mind endless monotony in place of dashed expectations. So, basically it’s like a mix between Tetris and Dr. Mario, except unlike Tetris and Dr. Mario, this game is much shittier.

See, the background in now Green instead of Red, so that gives the game depth.

Before you start a game you can change the difficulty level and choose from 1 of 3 songs; this screen is similar to the customize-the-start-of-your-game screen from ‘Dr. Mario’, except this one has way less options. Probably because they wanted to stick it to Yoshi fans for not liking Mario more. Oh, and in the 2 player mode, the person holding and switching the blocks on the other side of the screen is Luigi. He left his mansion to be in this shitty game.

Hmmmmmmmm……OK, then again, maybe I’m ragging on this game too much…it’s an all right puzzle game, it doesn’t glitch, moving the blocks instead of the falling pieces is a unique variation of Tetris, Fat Yoshis are fun, you can recognize all the characters clearly and this game definitely sucks. I’m sorry, I can’t- I can’t not compare this to the side scrolling Mario adventure featuring Yoshi that I thought this game was gonna be when I first popped this cartridge into old NESsy. To be fair the box art does say ‘un casse-tete paniquant avec Yoshi et ses amis!’ Wait…OK, It also says ‘Pure Puzzle Panic’ but I mean……not having read that small blurb, or speak French, anyone would expect this to be a side scrolling adventure! Also I was probably too young to read at the age I got this game anyway. But I still wasn’t so young that I thought it was good or anything other then monotonous and boring! Fat Baby Yoshis be damned!! F Minus!!! Crippling Disappointment!!!!

Except for the title music and 3 song choices which are catchy, the graphics are fine, the young’uns might like it and……Fat Yoshi undamned.

1.5/5 Play Tetris or Dr. Mario or Outside or 52 Card Pick-Up Instead

Nostalgia: in 8-bits

Guy in the Present Day: You like video games? That’s cool, what’s your favorite? No way, that’s mine too! Oh man, we have like so much in common. They’re coming out with another sequel? I can’t wait til they—wut? Side scroller? *Spit take* Dammit, I paid like 5 bucks for that Frappe Happy Chino. NO, I WILL NOT STOP CRYING! Wanna go out sometime?

Old Man 50 Years in the Future: Back in my day there were only two dimensions. You could walk forward or you could walk backwards…level permitting. I mean that ish was linear! None of this fancy sideways, loosey goosey, 4D, spacetime crap that you hooligans play these days. There was a nasty word for people like us. It had many more negative connotations then than it does now. It began with the letter n. Any guess? Bobby, go to your room! I never want to see you again! You have to eat this bar of Astronaut Soap while you are at it. The word was nerd. N-E-R-D. And to describe it in my old man lingo, it was a M-M-M-M-Monster KILL Kill kill kill kill *Grandpa dissolves into the atmosphere*

Make what you will of those two exchanges but—actually just completely ignore them. I don't know what I'm doing. But let’s see *shuffles through notes* ah, yes. So you know how a lot of people like video games, right? And like how popular culture has assimilated video games into everything from music, to clothing, to movies, and even those things called books? Well, I guess I just find it interesting that when the video games are directly referenced in another medium, it tends to reference games from the 8-bit days. Ya know, the Mario, the Sonic, the Pac Man with his Mrs. Man. Why is this?

RIP Tonight Show with Conan O Brien

Well, for one can you think of a style in recent video games as distinctive as any of that released after SNES and Sega Genesis? Sure games have improved in terms of how realistic, or at least how clear everything looks. But take a look at that jagged block world of the 8-bit. Somehow a bunch of red, blue, and peach colored squares make up an Italian plumber.

The aesthetics of a classic retro 8-bit game could be compared to the cubist movement. I mean, why not?

Woman Playing Mandolin by Picasso

The limitations of the first video games allowed this unique style to develop, and yet this style continues to live on through popular culture. The recent game 3D Dot Game Heroes pays extensive homage to 8-bit games of the past (particularly Zelda) and puts the style in a 3D environment.

Even the 8-bit soundtracks have become iconic for their distinct synth sound. The film adaptation of Scott Pilgrim Vs the World, a comic that essentially takes place in the environment of a video game, even takes the Universal Studios logo and remakes it into an 8-bit graphic, complete with the distorted NES soundtrack. These beeps, bleeps, and boops occasionally find their way into songs as well. The band Crystal Castles, as a matter of fact, specialize in creating haunting electronic beats with old school game soundtracks mixed with distorted sound effects from said games. ( Their song entitled Vanished: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56E8yYgLNHE&feature=related)

Even game developers are finding themselves steeped in the nostalgia of the side-scrollin’ old days. With the release of the Scott Pilgrim game, Super Mario Bros. Wii, Shadow Complex, and the soon to be released Sonic 4, side scrollers still remain a classic way to have fun. It is a nice change of pace to have games as linear as these, opposed to the seemingly endless choices that are provided in World of Warcraft, GTA, and Fallout 3. Less can be more on some occasions. Or maybe developers figure it is generally easier to make side scrollers and, in effect, easier to make some quick money to feed their drug addictions. Or their children.

Perhaps the most obvious reason for all this commotion is just nostalgia in general, and how retro items become popular again at some point in time. Yeah, 8-bit might not be the future of games, but I suppose it is always a good idea to pay some mad respect to the past. Or else feel the wrath of the 8-bit gods as they get retro on yo @$$.

http://tppto.ytmnd.com/

Why Would You Ever Give a Woman a Voice?

As anyone who has known me is uncomfortably aware of, I have a few obsessions. To name a few of the few they are (in order from least important to most): doing my best, making the world a better place, procrastinating on articles in order to drive my supervisor crazy (Mr. Gregory Allen), how to scheme on women, and lastly (and closely tied to it) Ms. Samus Aran. Although I am old enough to have enjoyed Super Metroid (even Metroid II to a lesser extent although I didn't have a Game Boy and it's a sadly repetitive game in terms of boss battles and progression), my fascination with the gal was much belated, as I was a Genesis owner during that console cycle.

It was on a November night during my sophomore year of high school when I picked up Metroid Prime on its release date. It received a rare Platinum Score from Electronic Gaming Monthly, which was my Gaming Gospel at the time, by receiving 3 10s from its review crew. As a Nintendo fanboy, I felt obliged to support this series given that it was my first real opportunity to do so. Thus, it was with much fervor and anticipation that I bought this game on its release date even though I had a project due for my religion class the next day. Even though I was a quality student at the time, I did not feel the slightest tinge of guilt. Why? Cuz I knew God understood.

Too bad my Mom didn't.

I was only able to play that first level in that space hanger frigate until my maternal parental unit burst into my room ripping the door out of its frame and using the door to slam against the pillars of our house causing the whole foundation of the house to tremor with the ferocity and unmercy of a California quake. I remember the fear that my mother instilled I me – almost as much as the first boss battle with the Parasite Queen. My mother even looks eerily similar to that huge bug thing.

Parasite Queen AKA KeepinItFresh's Mom

Continuing with our article, I remember the sense of isolation and mystery that the environment enraptured in me. Space Pirates ninja-rolling at me out of nowhere and shooting at me with the accuracy of a 3 year old and his first showdown with a real toilet. Towards the end of the level, you're blown away by an explosion caused by a malfunctioning elevator (I believe) and you lose everything. Missiles, grapple beam, charge shot, double jumping ability. Everything that you had is lost. I felt weak and powerless – just like real life. Except I know I had the promise of becoming something unlike this worldly realm. This was a big part of the allure to me for this game.

So what made Samus so appealing? Did you not notice the shift in perspective I used in the previous paragraphs? YOU become Samus. Samus is more or less a silent protagonist. As is the appeal with all silent protagonists, I would argue, is that it is basically a metaphorical stand-in for the player. That's why you Zelda series fans love Link, right? I can't imagine the appeal of a silent protagonist in any other sense. No personality, no character, no traits. Those qualities are perfect in allowing one to project their own expectations and ideals onto a person. Such as the player to the main character or a stalker from afar and their unsuspecting victim.

In a sense, this is what I experienced in Metroid Prime. I recently read an article discussing Metroid that the “planets and environments that you explore are the real characters. The most appealing part of the [Metroid] series has always been exploration." (1) This was uttered by a man named Patrick Carr, aged 28 years old and hails from Chicago, Illinois. There is no other accreditation given to this man yet his quotation is used in the aforementioned article. Is he on to something? Well, it sounds reasonable enough, although I am not totally sold on that character theory, I must admit that the environment and world design is what allowed me to fall in love with the series. The worlds that Samus explores are huge, littered with detail, and were completely immersing to me. It was more than a virtual escape – it was an experience.

Metroid Prime happened to be the first and best videogame that fostered that sense in me. It was the Metroid universe that I fell in love with. My idealization of Samus just happened to be a byproduct of my captivation with the terrain that she was exploring. Now, with that being said, one could argue from the preceding premise that had Metroid Prime's world been the same yet the protagonist been anything else, say a Richard Simmons-like character painting the world with clown-vomit as his main weapon of choice, then that particular character would happen to be the most beloved in my heart. However, I contend that would-be assertion as that takes away from the character design of Samus, which I find to be complementary and extension of the 'experience.' For instance, I believe her suit design to be unequivocally bad-ass. The detail of her Varia suit was illuminated in comparison to her Smash Bros. And Metroid game appearances. The distinctive bulky shoulders, powerful arm cannon, coupled into a galactic spacesuit that still allowed one to be agile was unmatched in terms of gear for a videogame character. It was creative, fascinating, and looked crazy pretty on the Gamecube.

So, in attempting to justify my non-perverse love for Samus, I say the following with a true heart and well-intentioned outlook for the Metroid series. I'm afraid of getting to know Samus too well -- both physically and emotionally. Sure, some can say that I was a victim of a sex crime as a child and I fear any type of intimacy from any person lest I be taken advantage of again (I plead the fifth to that one) but I promise you that it's deeper than judging her based off the past sins of others. All I can say is that Samus might be a bit too developed for me – and I mean that in an appropriate and inappropriate sense.

I don't appreciate the sexualization of Samus and this fan service that Nintendo has been committing in years past in dressing down the famed heroine in order to win over the interest and appeal of whoever the eff they're trying to get at (I can only assume prepubescent boys and basement-dwelling internet predators). My disgust is mostly aimed at the advent of Zero Suit Samus in Brawl. Although I concede that that game is not a part of the Metroid canon – it most definitely had a direct impact on the Metroid games as Samus can be witnessed in her Zero Suit (as designed by the Brawl creators) when zippin around in her ship during one of the cutscenes of Metroid Prime 3: Corruption. Granted, Samus never goes about parading around while in her zero suit, but the effects of Samus' sexualizaion has a realized effect on the games itself.

With the upcoming release of Metroid: Other M, I find it appropriate to voice this next worry. From what I've seen so far I have no reason for concern in terms of Samus being overly exposed in a physical sense (mind you it is Team Ninja of Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball [and Ninja Gaiden but that doesn't help to serve my point]). However, this latest installment in the series sees Samus' character being developed (I assume) with fleshed-out cinematics and voiceovers. Candidly, I don't know if this is gonna be a great idea or not. There are seriously two examples that jumped out to me when thinking of things that don't seem like a great idea, yet they somehow work. First, four years ago, some guy decided it'd be a great idea to deep fry coke. I don't know if that guy was on something nor even cognizant but he fried coke and people pay for it at fairs. So as off-the-wall as that sounds, that turned out to be okay. Additionally, and probably even crazier, the Lakers decided to add Ron Artest at the expense of Trevor Ariza last off-season. They signed a man that ran into the stands and beat the shit out of paying customers. However, the Lakers just won back to back titles.

Voice-overs for Samus: Crazier than Ron Artest?

Is adding voiceovers for Samus in her upcoming games as batshit insane as these two examples I just conjured up? I don't give a shit what you think; you're not writing the article.

To take away one of the the main allures of Samus, in my opinion, by developing her personality into a concrete set of qualities eliminates the sense of mystery that was afforded to her. It runs the risk of alienating the gamers that identified with her due to her lack of prescribed attributes. This, to me, gives me reason for concern for the upcoming release of Metroid: Other M.

Also, the graphics look pretty shitty.

1. http://www.1up.com/do/feature?pager.offset=2&cId=3180650

A (Non-Zerg) Alien Swarm

Yet another free game being reviewed here on, newly retitled, Super Dope Gaming. Alien Swarm comes from "a group of talented designers at Valve who were hired from the Mod community," which means this is a game made by Valve gamers, for Valve gamers. Fitting. This downloadable game is a 4 player cooperative, online, top-down action game, and as you can guess, not too many other games fall into that specific set of genres, making Alien Swarm stand out among the few.

You play one of eight characters, from one of four classes: Medic, Engineer, Heavy, or Soldier. Probably not the official names for the classes, but at least people who play Team Fortress 2, one of Valve's other online games, will get the idea. In fact, every gamer will most likely know what those classes are, even if they just guessed. That's the beauty of the class system. Anyway, each character also has three things to hold: two are usually weapons and the third is some tool to aid the mission. Whether that third slot is taken by a health pack, ammo pack, or door welder depends on your class and how you want to arrange your set up. People who have played TF2 will no doubt find familiarity in both the controls and load out screen. But, for those unsure of their shooting prowess, there is a way to practice offline.

There is no story here. While Privates attempted to create a story through dialog during breaks between battles, and Team Fortress 2 has enough of a fan base for Valve to make comics explaining the history behind Red and Blue, Alien Swarm starts with a simple plot. "There are aliens attacking the base. Escape." Which lets the player get right into the action, but denies them any meaningful experience. Of course this game isn't trying to be the next Half Life, just an action-oriented and fast-paced shooter. On this point, the game excels. If you're confident enough to venture to the online play, you'll likely end up in a game of "who can get to the end the fastest." I don't think that was the idea the creators had. The point of playing with a team is using teamwork, isn't it? This isn't the fault of the game or creators, of course, but the online community, where the motto is usually All for one.

That's unfair though, since I routinely play without taking the time to ensure the safety of my teammates. For Alien Swarm, I can imagine the most fun and cohesive gaming experience to come from a group of four friends playing it during a LAN party. Also, the aliens seem to never stop coming, which makes the idea of running past the monsters to the goal much more appealing and, honestly, smarter than staying around to make sure every area is cleared.

This game does not represent Valve's finest work, but it is a lot of fun to play. Once you get to know who your favorite character is and spend more time playing in online bouts, you'll be running through the levels as if you were running through each level. Like anything that's free to play, you might as well give it a try. I was impressed with how much fun it was to play and the game's overall quality. You can tell how much time the people from the "Mod community" put into Alien Swarm and how much they wanted others to enjoy their gaming experience. For that, I can't see any reason to lower the score other than it's lack of story -- seemingly not that important for shooters anyway -- and the simple, Team Fortress-esque gameplay, which can also be seen as a plus. Valve has made another game where the key points are the experience of the audience, the enjoyment while playing, and has given the added bonus of zero cost. Download this game, have fun, thank Valve.

4/5 Near Perfect Score! Super Good!

Heavy Rain

Many say that video games are the next step in the evolution of Art, and I suppose there is no reason for me not to agree. Sure there are many areas that could use some improvement, but with the advent of motion based controllers and 3D television there are no signs of slowing down. So once again let us turn towards the comparison of movies and video games. Some members of the film elite may scoff at the idea that these two mediums have anything in common, but anyone who has played a video game of late can find plenty of reasons: an interesting plot, complex characters, epic soundtracks, and equal measures of sheer entertainment and poignancy. If one were to look for a quintessential example of how movies influenced the medium of video games, look no further than Heavy Rain, which has been repeatedly deemed as one of the most “cinematic” gaming experiences ever.

Writer and director David Cage and his company Quantic Dream are known to approach video games as a sort of interactive movie, which is exemplified from their first two games Omikron: The Nomad Soul and Indigo Prophecy. I only played the latter of the two, the gameplay of which has been adapted and improved in Heavy Rain. In terms of the story, both games tend to have a thing for weather and mysterious murders. The longer you play the more intense the blizzard/rainstorm gets, mirroring the intensifying plight of the characters (now that’s deep). Indigo Prophecy and Heavy Rain also center on a mystery that needs to be solved, whether it be by police or by some average (but oh so mysterious) Joe Schmo.

I can honestly say the plot of Heavy Rain does show much more control and the characters ring more true than those of Prophecy. Both games start in a gritty urban environment, but while Heavy Rain remains firmly grounded in this universe, Prophecy goes off in some crazy mystical directions with cults, spells, and resurrections (not to say, of course, that any sort of plot centered in a mystical realm is trash per se, but there should at least be a better way of introducing such aspects to the audience). I was totally digging Prophecy until (SPOILERS) you find out there is some elite of magical hobos, you die, come back to life, make love with the police woman, impregnate her with your zombie sperm, and then watch your half-dead children frolic around a field. I don’t know about you, but really? Did I throw a couple of hours of my life away to see that sort of crap? Maybe it’s because David Cage is French and they are into strange, kinky $#!* like that. I’m happy to say that Heavy Rain had nothing of that sort.

As far as the gameplay goes, you play as four different characters, each with different pieces of the puzzle. You start as Ethan Mars, the main protagonist, who is happily married with two kids. The beginning allows the player to ease into the control system of the game, a lot of which centers around hitting the right buttons or moving the controller at the right time. They even let you practice your combat skills by beating your children into submission! With plastic swords, of course.

I think I enjoyed beating that child a little too much.

Investigating a crime scene

Another aspect this beginning section expands on is how the player needs to use the character’s thoughts as well as choosing the right response in a conversation to help them navigate through the challenges that are presented, which becomes particularly crucial later in the game. We follow Ethan and his family as they go to the mall where they lose their son who is hit by a car and killed. This traumatic experience ruins Ethan, who we find out is divorced and living on his own two years later. Eventually Ethan’s second child is kidnapped by some psycho named the Origami Killer, who forces Ethan into performing suicidal tasks in order to see his son again (makes sense given the tagline for the game is “How far would you go to save someone you love?”). Meanwhile, you also play an old private investigator, an FBI profiler, and a photojournalist who all become involved with Ethan’s missing son one way or another.

Because this is an interactive fiction game with 22 possible endings, all the actions taken or not taken with the characters have consequences on the final outcome. There are two ways one can play this game: the first is going through the challenges in one attempt and letting whatever may happen to happen; the second is making no mistakes in order to get the best possible ending. Having played this game only once, I made damn sure to get the best possible ending I could. If you screw up royally, there is a good chance one of your characters will die, and if that were to happen…well, good luck trying to figure out who the Origami Killer is.

Doing a little soul searching

While Heavy Rain is great at exemplifying the similarities between movies and video games, it does an equally apt job of proving the strength of the video game medium. Video games are all about the experience and with so many choices and endings, players are able to experience various situations and outcomes. The first class soundtrack, stunning graphics, smart writing, and quality voice acting make it easy to get lost in this world and all the more difficult to stop playing. Ironically, there have been some discussions of this game being adapted into a movie, which basically defeats the purpose of the game. Assuming the movie adaptation takes the best ending, the product would most likely be just an average film noir/thriller. It is the moral choices the player makes in addition to the interactive controls that make this game so much fun, not the story itself.

Although I would not call Heavy Rain the Citizen Kane or the 2001: A Space Odyssey of the gaming realm, it is certainly a unique and consistently entertaining experience. This will hopefully be improved when Playstation releases its Move controller, which will be adapted to use for the game. Ideally, I'll be able to try this out (wallet permitting).

4.5/5 Fun, Addicting, and Well Made. Dizzope!

Obscure Title Tuesday: Monopoly!

Monopoly for the Nintendo Entertainment System! Or, as I like to call it: Insert Joke Here!

Monopoly is, of course, the insanely popular property trading bankruptcy game by Milton Bradley that, by some fluke, is not too complicated for the average American to play. You go around a board buying property, when you own all the property of a certain color you can buy houses and hotels for that property, and when your friends (or enemies!) land on these properties they must pay you major bank, or ‘rent.’ The object is to bankrupt everyone else, leaving them penniless and you Scrooge McDuck.

I should stop walking because this road is about to end

When playing this NES game with others the game functions exactly as a normal game of Monopoly, though there are 3 key ‘differences’ you have to get used to. Many people play Monopoly using house rules, which is pretty much any rule other then the official rules to make the game more fun. A common house rule is if you land on the free parking space then you get 500 dollars (or some other amount of money, like the money you lost from chance cards and landing on that damn ‘Luxury Tax’ space RIGHT in between Boardwalk and Park Place! THAT space should be the free parking! If I come that close to Boardwalk and not land on it I should be consoled with parking that is free, not a 75 dollar diamond ring….heh heh heh, crazy 1933.) Since that’s not an option for this game, landing on free parking gets you nothing but the animation of your game piece chillaxing on free parking.

Curiously, even tho this game was made in the 90's no one has been named 'Gertrude' since the 1800's

There are two other ‘differences’ (which are really just the original rules of Monopoly that some don’t use) that may frustrate some. Whenever you land on a property, if you choose to not buy that property, it MUST be auctioned off, with the property going to the highest bidder. Though auctioning of a property is quick and easy in the game, it makes the rich get even richer as they can abuse people with less money by getting properties cheap whenever anyone lands on a property that they can’t afford. Finally, there are a limited number of houses and hotels that can be bought in this game, whereas most home games will find some pennies and use those when they run out of houses in the box. This doesn’t matter too much, though, as there are 32 houses; more than enough to bust your opponents. Other then that, the board is the same, everything costs the same, you can offer trades to people who can accept, offer counter trades, or just flat our refuse, you got your chance and community chest cards, game play is quick, and, with the addition of video technology, all the game pieces have little movement animations during significant events like moving around the board, going to jail, buying houses or hotels, and each chance and community chest card.

Gertrude buyin' a railroad. Because that was the main mode of transportation in her day.

The music for the intro is catchy, though there’s no music during gameplay; just sound effects and snippets of music during things like the rolling of the dice, trading, going to jail, or whenever you land on Boardwalk and Park Place and no one has purchased them yet. There are enough sound effects to make the absence of a general background song not noticeable. Also, when you win the game it shows you, triumphant on top of a giant dollar bill sign with your name and how much all your money and property is worth combined displayed, along with a totally bitchin’ song in the background that makes you feel like a winner and forget all about the recession.

Donnie would later fall and sue the giant golden dollar bill manufacturer for another $12,125.

The area in which this game shines is the computer AI. You can play with up to 7 computer players and……they don’t suck! The AI in this game plays an effective game of monopoly and is even able to hold up against your many, repeated attempts at trying to trick it into making a stupid trade. Trading with these computer players is like playing Monopoly with a friend of yours who is really tight fisted with his property, but not unreasonable. When you choose to play with a computer player the game brings you to an art gallery showcasing 4 pictures of high society with their names underneath, collectively called the ‘top four.’ You can also click on the ‘bottom four’ to see the crappier, noticeably poorer and more homely computer players. Though they are billed as the ‘top four’ and ‘bottom four’, I find that there’s nothing really that much different about how they actually play or go about trading. Interestingly, I think the bottom four are just less lucky when it comes to dice rolling. Or, more accurately, they land less on unowned property. Specifically, and I don’t mean to accuse Milton Bradley of blatant racism, but, most racistly, the worst and most G-d awful bottom four computer player is ‘Ollie’, who is Hispanic, and I have seen him play multiple games where he rolls so poorly he only buys 2 properties for the entire game before he goes bankrupt…curiously, during these times the property he buys is a green property and a Railroad……other then that, however, I’ve played many games and never noticed a predictable pattern in rolling tendencies. Oh, and at the beginning of each game a person is randomly chosen to go first, and Ollie always goes last. In FACT, you can’t even feel bad for him and just give him free money because if you try to trade him and offer him like, 20 dollars for nothing in return, he won’t simply refuse the trade, he will literally move your cursor to the ‘quit trade’ button. I like to think of it as, he’s too proud to take your pity hand me down charity. To be fair to Milton Bradley and Nintendo, this would be a lot more racist if there wasn’t another Hispanic guy in the top four named ‘Erwin’ who will destroy you. If you let him.

I know from memory that Ollie just landed on Park Place with 4 houses. I love Monopoly.

There are some options to customize your game before you start, like properties being randomly assigned, timed matches, or you can literally just choose who owns what property and how much starting money each player has. I find it’s more fun to either play the classic game of monopoly, or, make yourself start with as much money as you possibly can, then, when you land on that ‘Income Tax- Pay $200 or 10%‘ space, (four spaces from ‘Go’) click ‘B’ to pay 10%, and watch that little cash register guy eat like….$99,999 in taxes…he only eats one bill at a time, so it takes like 5 minutes!

Also, the computers play at a medium pace, but there is an option to make them play quickly so that they don’t watch any of the animations and perform no brainer decisions quickly (like buying properties).

All in all, besides poor prideful Ollie, this is a fine substitute for the board game and as long as you can get past the auctioning of property and the no free money for landing on free parking, this is a great fun game that can be played with friends or alone! Of course, I really enjoy the game ‘Monopoly’. So I guess if you don’t like the board game you would probably think this game sucks. Oh well!

3.75/5 Computer Players That Don’t Suck! No Missing Pieces! Only a Teensy Bit Racist!!

Scott Pilgrim vs. The Wii

For those few of you who do not know, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The Game recently came out for the PS3, and the Xbox 360 version is not far away with a release date set for the 25th. The design of the game is one reminiscent of 2D, old-school beat'em ups like River City Ransom for the NES or Secret of Mana for the SNES. Both of which are classic titles. I never played River City Ransom, but that won't stop me from using it as a tag for this post. Scott Pilgrim is clearly an accessible game - graphically, at least - for any console. So, why, dear readers, is the Wii the only one left out?

I understand this comes out on the heels of KeepinItFresh's "Open Letter," but I can honestly say that this is the first game in a while for which I've felt genuinely giddy. It's as if Scott Pilgrim: The Game is that sexy girl at work you always have flirtations with, but nothing ever comes of it. That's what it feels like for me. I'm excited for this game; I talk about it with my friends and explain how badly I want it; I've spent a lot of time with Scott Pilgrim (not the game, but the graphic novel), and I want my due payoff. The problem is, of course, that the only system I own is the Wii. Now, I'm sure the decision to keep it off the Wii has some business and marketing decisions behind it, to which the general public are not privy. Does this make it any less heart wrenching? God No. No it... it just doesn't. I want to play this game and I would happily dish out the $10 or $15 to own it, but not the several hundred it would take for me to get a PS3 or Xbox 360 first.

For the most part, the Wii's Virtual Console and Wii Ware games provide more variety and an overall better gaming experience than when compared to the alternatives. The PSN has Final Fantasy VII, Metal Gear Solid, and Echochrome; the XBLA has Shadow Complex and Castle Crashers. All of which I think are great additions to the system and may even go so far as to call them reasons to buy each respective console. The Wii may have begun with much bigger success than it now holds, even the newest addition - the Wii Arcade - was a disappointment; although, it did show interesting promise. Surely most of the gaming community believe now, more than ever, the recent downloadable games offered by the Wii are nowhere near the quality of other systems. The point is, despite me only buying (or wanting) a handful of titles, I still believe in the service. Even now, while I sit, staring at the lack of Scott and Ramona, I realize I can still go back to the Virtual Console, find River City Ransom, and settle.

IGN has dealt with the decline of the Virtual Console (here you go) and claimed "It must be like jumping through hoops to try to get any game not originally presented by a major Japanese publisher through the submission and approval process to go live in the American Wii Shop." Does this mean that Nintendo doesn't care about white people? Looks like it. I would love to see other titles (IGN makes special mention of Earthbound throughout the article) also put up, but this one takes the cake - most likely because it's in my recent memory, but also because I can't just find a place on the internet to download it illegally like... well like almost every classic game in existence. It seems to be true that "Nintendo of America hasn't been able to fully respond to our requests." But don't get me wrong, I don't mean for Super Dope Game Reviews to take up a war against Nintendo, and I certainly don't plan on doing anything so bold as to sign a petition to get Scott Pilgrim: The Game onto the Wii. I just really want to play this game.

While the previous entry by KeepinItFresh focuses on the faults and betrayals of Nintendo's system, I choose to view these imperfections as what makes the Wii even more beautiful. I know the worn out, scratched up, broken apart Wii has seen better days and hasn't aged as well as other systems (who seem to be just now reaching maturity *cough* PS3 *cough*) or even as well as I had hoped. But all this simply makes me appreciate what the Wii has that other consoles don't. A catalog of games that focus on a fun experience, for instance. Also, what the Wii lacks can be turned into a positive - like the absence of a platform for preteen boys to shout profanity at me through a headset. Maybe I'm more of an optimist, or more of a Nintendo Fanboy (proven by my choice to capitalize that title), than KeepinItFresh, but I'm sure that while I flirt with other games from other systems, I'll always return home to the Wii, who has been there for me through thick and thin, like a loving wife instead of that sexy girl at work.

Wii: It’s You or Me

Dearest Wii,

You know, I use that title loosely now to be honest. When you first came out in 2006, I was teeming with excitement. Adding motion-control to the already interactive medium of videogames seemed like a guarantee for more immersive and enthralling experiences. I believed that Nintendo had proven with their 20+ year track record that they possessed the creativity and developer’s pedigree to make it worthwhile. Coupled with their franchises that I treasure with my childhood heart, I figured my experience with you would be unmatched up until that point in time.

These were gaudy expectations assuredly. Yet with all that said, I didn't own you initially because I had less interest in the launch games than that of parents who abandon their newborn baby in a dumpster (Shockingly, I'm not a Zelda fan. I know that's heresy coming from a self-proclaimed Nintendo fanboy but everyone’s favorite iconic elf has never quite tickled my fancy.). Regardless, I was there with you from your humble beginning thanks to my then-girlfriend's Christmas gift to me in 2006 (Note: It didn't work out and she convinced me that adoption was a better way to “make the problem go away”).

My first game was that of Warioware: Smooth Moves. ‘Twas a novel little title – kinda cute. That's really all I could say about it. A little zany, a little whacky. Kinda like me. Or a drunken Friday night (although I have better memories of playing this game 4 years ago than any particular Friday night I've had in the past year). In all fairness, any game that was to accompany my new ownership of you would pale in comparison to the game that I truly wanted – and that was Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I knew that once Brawl came out that you would prove to be a worthwhile investment.

Indeed, this personal assessment proved to be correct. On the (mid)night that Brawl was finally released in March 2008, I played it for 24 hours straight and logged in a voluminous amount of matches witnessing Bowser violating other characters' dignity and rights as sexual beings (hint: do his down throw). As an added bonus: I basked in the male-bonding friendship that the game fostered betwixt me and my well-groomed college friends. I strongly believe that the rapport and camaraderie that was created amongst my colleagues and I during those long days into nights cannot ever be replicated by any amount of affection, emotional understanding, nor spontaneous gyrating dog piles on other men's beds. I shall spare the details for our dear voyeur reader and insist that the audience just take my word for it. All in all, none of that would have been possible without you, Wii. I deeply thank you for that and the deeper issue that it consequently helped me to resolve.

Aside from Brawl, I have had my little trysts with Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2, Metroid Prime: Trilogy, and Mario Kart Wii. Also, being a huge baseball fan, I picked up Super Mario Sluggers, and both iterations of MLB Power Pros. Not much of a collection but the titles served their purpose for an acceptable duration of time. As you know, Wii, Brawl would continue to garner the majority of gameplay until I sadly, and unwillingly, graduated from college. I guess without others getting in on the action, I felt like the majority of our activities were... well... boring. It was tough to admit but I felt like we had gotten into a rut.

Now here I sit, staring at you collecting dust. That's actually not even true. I don't even take the time to look at you anymore. You're too ugly to me. I stare at you and I'm filled with regret with all the time that we've lost, bitterness over the memories we shared in better times, anger over the unrealized potential that we had, and disgust at the shell of a console that you were. You've seriously let yourself go, Wii, with your missing controller and memory card covers. Sure, you can blame it on me, but you deserved it. I asked to be treated with respect and you shower me with trash such as My Horse & Me and Catz along with upcoming classic releases such as The Bachelorette. I just wanted to be treated with a reverence; something that I felt from all my previous consoles. And it’s terribly difficult to feel that that desire is being adhered to when you're continually attempting to shove piles of recycled s*** down my throat.

But I know I should be more understanding. v_v

Surely, this is just some isolated personal experience – an outlier of an anecdote. Being forced out into the 'real world,’ I now find myself in a whirlwind of desires pulling at me that are not particularly conducive to videogaming, much less spending time with you. There are actually two main things. One of them is called real life. I do my best with trying to cope with having to live out this 'true' world. My primary method of bringing myself solace is in perceiving the parallels between life and videogames. I view each challenge that is presented to me in this annoying realm of reality as a metaphorical videogame task. For instance, I attempt to hone my skills in pursuit of “leveling up” to a better job/career, and physically train rigorously to perform new achievements, conquer new territory, and capture trophies [read: working out, women, and women].

But that's not all that's come between you and I, Wii. I mean, there is another girl in the picture now. That PS3 gal was able to offer me all those true iterations of games that, quite frankly, are always some watered-down, gimmicked cripple of a game on your hardware. I don't know who to blame. I mean, if that's the kinda people that you attract that will buy that sorta thing, then that's cool. It's totally understandable. I know you're just trying to make a living, setting up a good situation for your next kid. You've found your niche and you do it well. I can't hate on that. But the fact of the matter is you couldn't ever run a Madden NFL, Call of Duty, or Dead Space in its true form. Quite simply, you just don't got the goods on the inside. And that's kind of a personal thing.

I guess we just have our fundamental differences, Wii. You’re not everything that I quite envisioned you to be but I know that I should do my best to appreciate the finer things about you. I know that I should be putting in more time with you and be better able to express that warm affection that I still do have for you. But you gotta fulfill your end of the bargain as well. Treat me as an esteemed gamer and not a vapid schoolgirl, or lifeless housewife.

Then again, I guess what does it matter when you’ll just end up in the attic in 2 years?

Just like everyone else I’ve ever loved.

Obscure Title Tuesday: Golgo 13!

Golgo 13 For the Nintendo Entertainment System! Or as I like to call it: The one where I have SEX but in real life I'm only 12!!!

I need to be fair and straight up right off the bat: I did not beat this game. My shame is great, but not overwhelming, for I know that I am a solid casual gamer and NOT of the personality that I feel like I HAVE to beat a level when that level is so difficult and frustrating that I just want to punch the person reading this article. If that happens to me in a game, after a good number of hours it's like: F*ck it. This isn't fun. I'm playing this to have fun and experience entertainment, not feel like an angry failure. Or, alternatively, a pathetic failure. So take everything said here with a grain of salt, as it may be that the later 3/4 of this game are the most amazingly fun challenges in gaming history and we're all missing out by reading this and not playing it right now.

It's hard to rip on a game that went out of its way to be diverse and creative. (4 distinct game genres of play!) There’s a legitimate (complicated) storyline with great music to match. But, alas, the shortcomings, like freaking impossible mazes, make what could have been a NES classic into……an obscure title. (Eh? See what I did there?) (Cause the name of the article is obscu-you get it.)

The 007-esque plot is: You are Duke Togo. A spy! But a CIA helicopter has been shot down and there was a weapon on board, and maybe somebody got it, and the Russian KGB is definitely involved, and you should investigate, but then a….thing happens……lot of people to talk to……there’s a virus……yeah, there is a LOT of talking in this game and I could not follow what was going on- it’s just too complicated and fragmented. But props for trying- I mean, you know, plenty of NES titles don't even have a story: Track and Field, Balloon Fight, Super Off Road, Dr. Mario......Tetris.

As mentioned earlier, there are FOUR distinct game genres of play:

Golgo 13 or......CHUCK NORRIS?!!???

Side Scrolling: You start out the game with this genre. You’re in a town with red buildings in the background, some of which you can enter and talk to people to progress the story or get hints on where to go. You're wearing a fairly pimp blue suit and you can either jump, kick, or shoot the bad guys (who are wearing decidedly NOT pimp green suits). They all die in one shot. Duke can jump 5 people lengths into the air, so, think 25-foot dropkicks. Your helpful contacts who roam the streets are also wearing ugly green suits, but bullets pass right thru them. Sometimes guys on motorcycles will ride into you. Jump out of their way, but don’t bother shooting them as their motorcycles outrun your bullets. Sometimes a huge gun will enter the screen and shoot at Duke, thus changing the gameplay to:

Quick! Shoot that Giant Incoming Missile out of the air before it hits you!

First Person Shooter: You move a crosshair around the town (it looks different) and shoot both bad guys on the ground and huge helicopters in the air. Most die with one shot. One of my favorite moments in the game comes not when you shoot down a helicopter with your pistol in one shot, but, when in a water level, you use your pistol to shoot a SUBMARINE that explodes in THREE shots. Thank goodness they cleared that up because after shooting the helicopters in one shot with my HAND HELD PISTOL I was gonna start questioning this games realism, especially after the whole bullet velocity motorcycle problem mentioned earlier. The feel of this part of the game is meh, as sometimes bad guys are hard to find and keep shooting you while you're scrolling from left to right trying to find them. Fortunately these scenes only last about 30 seconds. Later on:

Quick! Shoot that......the hell?

Moving Helicopter Battles!: It's like those games where you’re flying in a helicopter in a side scrolling game but the screen is always moving to the right and bad guys come at you from the right hand side of the screen and you have to shoot them! You can fly forward, back, up, and down, and the planes that attack you are varied and shoot in different patterns. Also there’s these gigantic floating circle bad guys that have other floating circles circling the central circle…they take a lot of hits. The feel of this Helicopter part of the game is good…if this section of the game had a B button super special attack, some power ups and different background scenery this could have been the whole game, and a fun one. However, someone who played too many freaggin’ jigsaw puzzles when they were a kid just had to throw in:

BOOM! Headshot. Take THAT United States Army or Military.

The First Person Maze Levels: With no overhead view, no map, and a wonky feel, the maze levels sucked hard. They sucked so hard you guys. Floors give way and drop you down to ANOTHER MAZE! which is just as complicated as the maze you were sucking at before you fell, but you have to beat this maze just to get to a ladder that takes you to the ORIGINAL level of the maze! But by then you've already forgotten where you can't go, and you fall down a level again because you stepped in the same place that you fell down before, but it's still so complicated and awkward you can't remember how to solve the lower level maze from a few G-d Damn minutes ago so it's like you’re starting from scratch Gaaaah!!!! Not to mention there’s a fake maze that goes nowhere. A Fake. Maze. That goes nowhere. You only realize this after exploring the fake maze for hours. You have grenades that you can throw when walls randomly close right in front of your face, but sometimes you're supposed to throw them at dead ends, but this doesn't always work and it's unclear when you’re supposed to do that. There are bad guys standing around in certain areas…push A to get a cross hair, then tap left once and it puts the crosshair automatically on them…. Just hit A again to shoot them dead and that refills your grenades back to 3. You know what? Just writing about this pisses me off, that's how bad it was. It pisses me off even more because of the cool things this game had going for it.

The music is good. It sets the tone, starting off with a slow, lonely feel, like, "what's going on, I’m just starting this game but I'm unsure- where am I, who am I, ok, kinda getting a feel for this" and then BAM! It ratchets up for the next scene and it's all like duh nuhhh nuh-nuh-nuhhhhh, and there’s like a bass groove and everything. And it's long enough to only repeat a couple times before the end of a level. Which is no problem because the music’s so badass you FEEL like a spy…..a spy named Duke Togo, I might add. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB4Yl1koV3Q Jump to 2:35, wait 15 seconds…and you’re a spy

Speaking of names, the colorful cast of characters includes names like Dirk Bullit, Cherry Grace (More on her in a second), Maria Lovelette, Fake Enormous (Who, I kid you not, is a midget), Red River Jr., Condor, and Ladies White. Of course, I didn't actually get to MEET most of these people since I couldn't get past the maze levels, but I'm sure they were all very nice.

In the beginning of the game you get your first mission from Cherry Grace, who I refer to as a 10 bit character as opposed to an 8 bit character because she's an F’ing 10! In the dialogue when characters speak you can see everyone’s face close up, and she is one of the more attractive NES characters you will come across in a game. I only mention this because

YOU HAVE STEAMY HEALTH REJUVINATING SEX WITH CHERRY GRACE IN A HOTEL!

'nuff said.

OK It might be a motel but it doesn't even matter because Oh My G-d you guys….You see 2 figures in a hotel window, they come together in an embrace, the lights go out and then your health meter at the top of the screen goes up to full. The first time this happened I immediately tried to re-enter the hotel just to have sex again but some ugly hotel guy (Red River Jr.) told me Cherry had left. Literally I would purposely loose almost all my health right before this point in the game just so that the sex scene would last longer. It was as epic as it sounds, you guys. In fact, this game isn't that bad. I was giving it a hard time earlier cause of the maze stuff, but, you know, maybe this whole game is just like a huge metaphor, with the sex scene being like……sex, and the frustrating maze scenes being like all the times when we're not having sex and we have to deal with frustrating women HAAH am I right guys????????????11111111???

Not to gloss over this but there’s a cool part of the game where you have to snipe somebody from a helicopter and the crosshair is shaking because…you’re in a helicopter. When you shoot the bad guy blood comes out of his head when he dies. In a NES game. Keep in mind this game was released before No More Heroes for the Wii.

Golgo 13 strives to be a cool 007 adventure without the nasty copyright issues. And with a spy story, great music, and diverse gameplay, this title could have been a NES classic preceding Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. But in a game that is 13 Acts (levels) long, when I can't get past the 3rd act without cheating by going online in order to look up a map of each maze that some other gamer just as frustrated as me painstakingly figured out and drew in order to provide for all the other miserable people playing this game…I'm going to have to pass. And give this the lowest possible score, a 0 out of 5. Except the sex bumps it up to 2.5. OK, also the music and story and diverse play styles, Sheesh.

2.5/5 Frustratingly only being able to get through 1/4 of a game has never been so much fun!

(Also, for some hilarious insight into this game, check out this screen capture play through): http://lparchive.org/LetsPlay/Golgo13/Update%201/index.html