Privates is Now Open to the Public

Hmmm... I'm not sure how to start this review. I guess I should explain what Privates is before I get into anything else. This is a videogame put out by Zombie Cow Studios (free to download here) in which you play as... well, I'm not quite sure exactly what you are. Some kind of team of STI Cops, who all have a British accent. I guess the only ones who know about safe sex are middle school gym teachers and people from the old country. These things from the STIPD (get it?) enter into people's anatomy and take care of nasty infections and viruses. Anything from Herpes to the HIV Virus. Seriously.

You play as the commander of the worst team in the corps, assigned to them in order to toughen these three wastes of "rubber hats" up. The rubber hats keep you safe (get it?). As a commander, your team follows your lead. You walk left or right in this 3d rendered, 2d game and the team follows. You get four types of ammo - mapped to 1-4 and your mouse wheel - with each being useful against certain types of infections or viruses. You also get to shoot sperm. If you missed out on sex-ed or went to Catholic school, and you know nothing of what could come from sex, then fret not! Pressing the spacebar will allow you to scan the enemy, which gives you more information than you needed in order to kill it, but just enough in order to be safe. All done with those lovely British accents.

Privates (get it?) takes you through five levels, each taking 5 to 10 minutes. These levels allow you to become intimate with a vagina, a penis, an anus/rectum, a mouth, and a womb. The one thing in common with all these body parts is that they belong to sluts. Every one of these people have Herpes and sperm just flying around. I'm not quite sure how to react to all that, but my first instinct was to wonder why I haven't met anyone this slutty. The game can be completed in about an hour without much difficulty. The lice proved to be the worst enemies and brought with them memories of the Library level from Halo: Combat Evolved (who really calls it that?). The most frustrating aspect of the game, however, were loose controls. I could fire in a general direction, but quite often was my cursor an inch or two off from where the bullets were hitting. Not unmanageable, but definitely annoying.

The game is free and easy (get it?) to download, so I don't know why you would avoid it if you have some free time. Privates gets points for originality and creativity, adding some important lessons for 14 year-olds who - let's face it - are probably already having sex, and hopefully have a good enough sense of humor. I mean, sure, there are a lot of lowbrow jokes here, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Even the disgusting bits come with a groan and chuckle. But I can see some gamers playing this not in the right mindset and then ending up hating the whole experience. So let's not kid ourselves, people, the reasons to get this game are because it'll provide a fun, gross-out time, and, more importantly, it's free. Just download it and play and you'll have a better time than most of the flash games out there. Did I mention you get to shoot sperm? While going down a mouth?

3.5/5 Slightly Above Average! Almost Dope!