Wii: It’s You or Me

Dearest Wii,

You know, I use that title loosely now to be honest. When you first came out in 2006, I was teeming with excitement. Adding motion-control to the already interactive medium of videogames seemed like a guarantee for more immersive and enthralling experiences. I believed that Nintendo had proven with their 20+ year track record that they possessed the creativity and developer’s pedigree to make it worthwhile. Coupled with their franchises that I treasure with my childhood heart, I figured my experience with you would be unmatched up until that point in time.

These were gaudy expectations assuredly. Yet with all that said, I didn't own you initially because I had less interest in the launch games than that of parents who abandon their newborn baby in a dumpster (Shockingly, I'm not a Zelda fan. I know that's heresy coming from a self-proclaimed Nintendo fanboy but everyone’s favorite iconic elf has never quite tickled my fancy.). Regardless, I was there with you from your humble beginning thanks to my then-girlfriend's Christmas gift to me in 2006 (Note: It didn't work out and she convinced me that adoption was a better way to “make the problem go away”).

My first game was that of Warioware: Smooth Moves. ‘Twas a novel little title – kinda cute. That's really all I could say about it. A little zany, a little whacky. Kinda like me. Or a drunken Friday night (although I have better memories of playing this game 4 years ago than any particular Friday night I've had in the past year). In all fairness, any game that was to accompany my new ownership of you would pale in comparison to the game that I truly wanted – and that was Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I knew that once Brawl came out that you would prove to be a worthwhile investment.

Indeed, this personal assessment proved to be correct. On the (mid)night that Brawl was finally released in March 2008, I played it for 24 hours straight and logged in a voluminous amount of matches witnessing Bowser violating other characters' dignity and rights as sexual beings (hint: do his down throw). As an added bonus: I basked in the male-bonding friendship that the game fostered betwixt me and my well-groomed college friends. I strongly believe that the rapport and camaraderie that was created amongst my colleagues and I during those long days into nights cannot ever be replicated by any amount of affection, emotional understanding, nor spontaneous gyrating dog piles on other men's beds. I shall spare the details for our dear voyeur reader and insist that the audience just take my word for it. All in all, none of that would have been possible without you, Wii. I deeply thank you for that and the deeper issue that it consequently helped me to resolve.

Aside from Brawl, I have had my little trysts with Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2, Metroid Prime: Trilogy, and Mario Kart Wii. Also, being a huge baseball fan, I picked up Super Mario Sluggers, and both iterations of MLB Power Pros. Not much of a collection but the titles served their purpose for an acceptable duration of time. As you know, Wii, Brawl would continue to garner the majority of gameplay until I sadly, and unwillingly, graduated from college. I guess without others getting in on the action, I felt like the majority of our activities were... well... boring. It was tough to admit but I felt like we had gotten into a rut.

Now here I sit, staring at you collecting dust. That's actually not even true. I don't even take the time to look at you anymore. You're too ugly to me. I stare at you and I'm filled with regret with all the time that we've lost, bitterness over the memories we shared in better times, anger over the unrealized potential that we had, and disgust at the shell of a console that you were. You've seriously let yourself go, Wii, with your missing controller and memory card covers. Sure, you can blame it on me, but you deserved it. I asked to be treated with respect and you shower me with trash such as My Horse & Me and Catz along with upcoming classic releases such as The Bachelorette. I just wanted to be treated with a reverence; something that I felt from all my previous consoles. And it’s terribly difficult to feel that that desire is being adhered to when you're continually attempting to shove piles of recycled s*** down my throat.

But I know I should be more understanding. v_v

Surely, this is just some isolated personal experience – an outlier of an anecdote. Being forced out into the 'real world,’ I now find myself in a whirlwind of desires pulling at me that are not particularly conducive to videogaming, much less spending time with you. There are actually two main things. One of them is called real life. I do my best with trying to cope with having to live out this 'true' world. My primary method of bringing myself solace is in perceiving the parallels between life and videogames. I view each challenge that is presented to me in this annoying realm of reality as a metaphorical videogame task. For instance, I attempt to hone my skills in pursuit of “leveling up” to a better job/career, and physically train rigorously to perform new achievements, conquer new territory, and capture trophies [read: working out, women, and women].

But that's not all that's come between you and I, Wii. I mean, there is another girl in the picture now. That PS3 gal was able to offer me all those true iterations of games that, quite frankly, are always some watered-down, gimmicked cripple of a game on your hardware. I don't know who to blame. I mean, if that's the kinda people that you attract that will buy that sorta thing, then that's cool. It's totally understandable. I know you're just trying to make a living, setting up a good situation for your next kid. You've found your niche and you do it well. I can't hate on that. But the fact of the matter is you couldn't ever run a Madden NFL, Call of Duty, or Dead Space in its true form. Quite simply, you just don't got the goods on the inside. And that's kind of a personal thing.

I guess we just have our fundamental differences, Wii. You’re not everything that I quite envisioned you to be but I know that I should do my best to appreciate the finer things about you. I know that I should be putting in more time with you and be better able to express that warm affection that I still do have for you. But you gotta fulfill your end of the bargain as well. Treat me as an esteemed gamer and not a vapid schoolgirl, or lifeless housewife.

Then again, I guess what does it matter when you’ll just end up in the attic in 2 years?

Just like everyone else I’ve ever loved.